Martha, your post has stuck with me, and I’ve been thinking about it and about you a lot the last few days, feeling like I ought to be able to offer some helpful advice after ruminating for so long on my own journey. Alas, the perfect wisdom eludes me; but what I can share is that it’s taken me five years since diagnosis, and two-plus years since my last chemo, to feel like I have finally settled into a sustainable rhythm. And I’m not sure I would have been able to do it by choice, without the repeated lessons of recurrence each time I tried to go back to normal.
It took months for me to come down off an adrenaline-powered pace. Then I spent months feeling like a lazy sloth while a therapist assured me I was actually healing. I’ve tried to pay attention to which things nourish vs deplete my body and my psyche. I have protected a daily nap religiously; I’m done feeling guilty about it - I’m just not as happy or productive or as good a mom without it. I still block my Friday calendar, saving room for working and the conversations I want to have. I started the Substack to give me accountability of regular writing, which I realized was healing for me; and I am one of the survivors who had the luxury of paying for a trainer once I realized I was simply not going to keep workout appointments with myself (which incidentally does not seem like your problem!).
Another survivor I know says she uses her no’s to protect her yes’s. For me I think it was more like scheduling rest and healing so I would take the time to do it.
Your body is telling you it needs rest. I wonder if the desire to reclaim one’s body feels more urgent for a breast cancer survivor than a colon cancer survivor; I have to imagine that it is. But please listen too to your body’s call for rest, which reverberates through your whole essay. If you can tune into what you are doing that is healing, that you love, and not just because you should - maybe that is a start to the question of how to step away from your soccer mom tendencies? : )
Hi Gina -- This is such a generous note, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. It's funny -- I meant to delete that line about personal trainers etc. because it seems so whiny, but truly, it IS my problem, even if it may not look like it from the outside I actually am not able to care for my body the way I would like to lately, thanks to the other demands on my time.
That said, my sister reminded me the other day that I've never had a good off switch. I tend to always say "yes," an instinct that is one part life-affirming and one part some ingrained oldest sister, Capricorn, people-pleasing conditioning. I'm going to keep trying to internalize the idea of my no's protecting my yes's. I like that.
And, I'm going to honor that idea by going to Wisconsin for the weekend to enjoy some fall color, some rest, and some supper club specials :)
having also had breast cancer, i don’t think it’s more urgent a feeling than after colon cancer. it’s different, but i suspect that it’s not more urgent, especially because sometimes, frankly, you can’t eat or shit during colon cancer treatment the way you had before and you might never again.
Yes, I neglected to respond to this part of Gina's note. I think the urgency on my end doesn't have to do with the body part, it has to do with the fact that for the last ten years I've been on a campaign to reclaim and strengthen by body after it went through a lot of shit between 15 and 45, and cancer threw a real wrench in that project!
Like the previous commenter, I enjoyed reading this post. Just a guess, but it sounds like your current, post-chemo manic lifestyle is in reaction to the involuntary quietude you had to live through during your treatment. Is there a satisfactory balance between restful contemplation and hyperactivity?
A good post. You’re digging. The single most important thing we could do with our short lives is to know our minds. To know our minds is to be still.
Martha, your post has stuck with me, and I’ve been thinking about it and about you a lot the last few days, feeling like I ought to be able to offer some helpful advice after ruminating for so long on my own journey. Alas, the perfect wisdom eludes me; but what I can share is that it’s taken me five years since diagnosis, and two-plus years since my last chemo, to feel like I have finally settled into a sustainable rhythm. And I’m not sure I would have been able to do it by choice, without the repeated lessons of recurrence each time I tried to go back to normal.
It took months for me to come down off an adrenaline-powered pace. Then I spent months feeling like a lazy sloth while a therapist assured me I was actually healing. I’ve tried to pay attention to which things nourish vs deplete my body and my psyche. I have protected a daily nap religiously; I’m done feeling guilty about it - I’m just not as happy or productive or as good a mom without it. I still block my Friday calendar, saving room for working and the conversations I want to have. I started the Substack to give me accountability of regular writing, which I realized was healing for me; and I am one of the survivors who had the luxury of paying for a trainer once I realized I was simply not going to keep workout appointments with myself (which incidentally does not seem like your problem!).
Another survivor I know says she uses her no’s to protect her yes’s. For me I think it was more like scheduling rest and healing so I would take the time to do it.
Your body is telling you it needs rest. I wonder if the desire to reclaim one’s body feels more urgent for a breast cancer survivor than a colon cancer survivor; I have to imagine that it is. But please listen too to your body’s call for rest, which reverberates through your whole essay. If you can tune into what you are doing that is healing, that you love, and not just because you should - maybe that is a start to the question of how to step away from your soccer mom tendencies? : )
With love,
Gina
Hi Gina -- This is such a generous note, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. It's funny -- I meant to delete that line about personal trainers etc. because it seems so whiny, but truly, it IS my problem, even if it may not look like it from the outside I actually am not able to care for my body the way I would like to lately, thanks to the other demands on my time.
That said, my sister reminded me the other day that I've never had a good off switch. I tend to always say "yes," an instinct that is one part life-affirming and one part some ingrained oldest sister, Capricorn, people-pleasing conditioning. I'm going to keep trying to internalize the idea of my no's protecting my yes's. I like that.
And, I'm going to honor that idea by going to Wisconsin for the weekend to enjoy some fall color, some rest, and some supper club specials :)
having also had breast cancer, i don’t think it’s more urgent a feeling than after colon cancer. it’s different, but i suspect that it’s not more urgent, especially because sometimes, frankly, you can’t eat or shit during colon cancer treatment the way you had before and you might never again.
Yes, I neglected to respond to this part of Gina's note. I think the urgency on my end doesn't have to do with the body part, it has to do with the fact that for the last ten years I've been on a campaign to reclaim and strengthen by body after it went through a lot of shit between 15 and 45, and cancer threw a real wrench in that project!
Well you brought this hospital room to tears.
Awww. That's a powerful audience! Sending all my love to everyone in the room
Like the previous commenter, I enjoyed reading this post. Just a guess, but it sounds like your current, post-chemo manic lifestyle is in reaction to the involuntary quietude you had to live through during your treatment. Is there a satisfactory balance between restful contemplation and hyperactivity?
I trying to find it but so far it is elusive!